you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
