So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
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I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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