my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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