I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
