Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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