if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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