Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
