He told me they were just razor bumps!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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