Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
