i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize