I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This is my gift to your gina
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize