when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The best revenge is premature balding
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
