Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
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WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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