Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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