I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
