Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
