You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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