you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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