She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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