I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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