Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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