Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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