The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The struggles of a small town man whore
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
