she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
