I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
