peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Two words: blizzard sex
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
