Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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