i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
