i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
