Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
