I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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