there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
