Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
