I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
