Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
