you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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