Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
