And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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