Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
