fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
