haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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