i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
