i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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