Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
