I didn't shave. On purpose
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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