Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
