Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
