he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
