I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
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You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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