there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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