I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
