I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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