my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
3pm strippers are depressing
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
