You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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