Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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