it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
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This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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