During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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